Barack Obama's lead over rival Hilary Clinton increased last night, as the margin between the number of absolute delegates secured grew further in his favour, and his lead in terms of super delegates firmly overtook Clinton's.

Nevertheless, the press decided that it was unfair to taunt Senator Clinton by mentioning this, and preferred to use headlines like 
'Clinton Wins West Virginia With Ease', 

'Clinton Fights on After Victory', 

'White Voters Shun Obama as Clinton Wins West Virginia' and 

'Let's Hope Bloated Britney ISN'T Pregnant - She's Smoking Again'. (It's the only article relating to the US they had. To be fair, the Times went with 'Clinton Takes West Virginia but defeat still looms')

"Frankly, we're trying to talk her down from the ledge," a spokesman from the NUJ said today, "we're worried that she's totally lost contact with reality at this point and I think we need to bring her down in a series of gentle stages, before she does something she'll later regret.

"At this point our chief worry is that she may have an affair with John McCain," he added. "Sure we'll cover it, sure it'll get her a media profile most Presidents can only dream of, but we'll feel dirty inside every time we type a single column inch. For her sake and ours, we'd like to try and prevent that."

A clearly disturbed Senator Clinton would say only "Look at me, Bill! Top of the world!" between repeated requests for peanut flavoured ice cream and a purple haystack.

Hilary Clinton's sensational comeback following the Texas and Ohio primaries seems to have been short lived.

Triumphant Clinton, who went from a potentially disastrous 120 votes behind her opponent Barack Obama to a surefire victory securing 100 votes behind in one coma-inducingly exciting night, appears to have descended to her previous disastrous levels, following the victory of Obama in the Mississippi primary last night.

Voter Alan Smithee said "It was shocking, but deliriously exciting, like dropping an extra cap of mescaline just before realising that the first one was working after all. That's how crucial this felt."

A spokesman for the Clinton campaign said "This result is all very well, but the question America should really be asking is: why does Obama hate women so much? And freedom, probably."